How to Heal a Broken Marriage

By Matthew Anderson, D. Min.
Updated: Saturday, September 1, 2007

How do you heal a broken marriage? After 35 years as a counselor, I have concluded that a broken marriage (a marriage in serious trouble) has the best chance of healing and recovery, if both partners follow five essential steps.

I have listed these steps below and have described them with simple, tough-minded language. If you follow them, you may well save your marriage, your hearts, your children and your pocketbook. I wish you and your partner the best. Go for it!

Five Essential Marriage Healing Steps Forgive the pun, but marriage is not a piece of cake, and most of us had little to no effective preparation for it. If you are having serious trouble making it work with your partner, you are not alone. Today in America, in our confusing and high stress culture, everyone has difficulty sooner or later with marriage.

The few who say they don’t are either lying or on medication. The issue is not whether we have problems, but whether we are committed with our partner to face and resolve them. If you are reading this article, then you may be among the blessed minority who can actually make this mystery work.

1. Admit there is a serious problem.

If one partner thinks the marriage is in trouble, then the marriage is in trouble. Too often, one partner suffers daily in an unhappy and even destructive relationship, while their spouse lives in denial and avoidance of the true state of affairs. When this is allowed to continue too long, the partner in pain runs the risk of imagining that she or he is the one with the problem. Trust me, this is never the case. It takes two people to make a successful marriage. It also takes two to mess one up.

2. Do not wait.

Most couples wait too long and too late to get help. They allow the resentment, hurt, confusion and anger to build to such enormous size that it is often overwhelming, and then give up without making a serious effort at fixing the problem. Sometimes, they finally see a counselor, but the pain is so intense that separation or divorce is the only alternative.

3. Get professional help.

If you have serious marital trouble, do not try to fix it yourself. If you knew how to fix it, it would be repaired already. Yes, it is difficult to sit down in front of a stranger and bare the most intimate parts of your relationship. Yes, it takes courage, but you cared enough to marry this person, and you made the effort to create a life together. You owe it to yourself to make a serious effort at healing.

A professional has experience, skills, insights and compassionate objectivity that can often make a massive positive difference. Don’t imagine that you know before hand what a professional will say or do. Give yourself a fighting chance, and give the pro the benefit of the doubt that she or he might actually be able to help you and your partner.

4. Be prepared to look at yourself.

Every partner in a troubled marriage is an expert on what is wrong with their spouse. This information is certainly useful, but it is only half the problem. If you don’t learn to identify and take responsibility for your equal contribution to your marital difficulties, then you will be almost guaranteed to fail.


5. Be prepared to grow.

Healing a marriage can actually make it better than it was before, if you see the difficulties as a valuable opportunity for growth. Growth, in this case, usually means learning to love your self, love another person, growing up and being mature, learning decent communication skills and changing destructive thinking and behavior. Whether your marriage heals or not, these goals and attributes are worth the effort. Your world, your work and your relationships will all benefit from this growth. You have nothing to lose and quite a lot to gain.

I am sure you know the sad statistics about marriage and divorce. Currently, over 50 percent of marriages don’t make it. What these statistics do not reveal is this: Working on it seriously increases your chance of success. You can make a life-changing decision today. You can decide to be someone who gives yourself and your marriage a real chance at becoming whole and happy. Simply follow the steps described above with all your heart, mind and soul. Miracles do happen -- and they happen especially to those who are committed to growth.

God bless you both on your journey together.

Matthew Anderson, D. Min., is a counselor, organizational consultant, seminar leader and the author of books and tapes that can help you overcome your obstacles to well-being.