Funny quotes on marriage and life

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)



"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

- Eleanor Roosevelt



"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. "


- Mark Twain



"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a
good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible"


- George Burns



"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."

- Victor Borge



"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

- Mark Twain



"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become
happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

- Socrates



"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

- Groucho Marx



"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and
then she stops to breathe."

- Jimmy Durante



"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."

- Zsa Zsa Gabor



"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."


- Alex Levine



"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying."

- Rodney Dangerfield




"Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery."

- Spike Milligan



"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP."

- Joe Namath



"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap."

- Bob Hope



"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish
do in it.."

- W. C. Fields


"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress."

- Will Rogers

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it
will avoid you."

- Winston Churchill


"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.."

- Phyllis Diller



"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old
to go anywhere."

- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet - "If it tastes good spit it out."